Terror in the Midwest

An epidemic is spreading across our heartland that local, national, and medieval forces seem powerless to stop. This terror is not the Avian Flu, weapons of mass destruction, or even illegal distribution of bootleg Chinese dubbed Dukes of Hazard DVDs. Rather, this sinister menace is your garden variety Claw Machine. Stuffed with their assortment of plush toys, these machines are beacons of fluffy evil that youth are powerless to resist. Equipped with a toy shoot the size of a large small mouth bass, these machines are specifically designed to target children with the cockroach gene, e.g., those that have the ability to slide themselves in spaces fleas can't crawl thru. These are the children that grow to become contortionists, who often appear on late night tv stuffing themselves into carryon baggage small enough to fit in the seat in front of you.



The third known victim in the last three years was captured just this week by a machine in Minnesota. Now some say this isn’t a conspiracy or epidemic, simply natural selection at work thinning out the herd, but we know better. When the next great worldwide catastrophe hits, such as when the Danish publish their Prophet Muhammad goes to Mustang Ranch cartoon series, it will mark the end of 99.99% of mankind. After the carnage, the only things left standing will be Osama Bin Laden, Dick Clark, David Lettermen’s hair piece, and children with the cockroach gene. They alone will rebuild Neverland ranch and restore the Jackson family pride. Where will this country be if they are stolen from inattentive parents before our very eyes?