Monday, April 10, 2006

Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Apparently Wallace and Gromit weren't to far off base when they produced their last movie. According to news reports in London a giant rabbit has been terrorizing and eating a swath through gardens in Northeastern England, so much so that local residents have hired armed guards to protect their vegetable patches. The Daffy Duck detective agency has not commented publicly since being hired, but in a statement just released to the press they said simply, "I hate that rabbit". Marvin the Martian, while not officially involved in the pursuit of this rabbit, has apparently offered the use of his lludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator to local authorities. We realize, of course, that in making this offer Marvin is simply hoping we'll blow ourselves up, allowing him a clear view of Venus from his home on Mars.

While Englanders appreciate the peril they are all in from this threat, it is hard for those living in America to truly understand just how they feel without knowing the history of these viscous beasts. It isn't that we don't appreciate the terror and havoc that a large furry bunny can create in a community, it is just that we don't have the history in seeing first hand the devastation it causes on man and vegetable.

Ask any in England and they, with a sad heart, will point you to the histories of King Arthur as chronicled by Monty Python. Within those pages, you will read the story of what happened when King Arthur's valiant knights came across just one of these vicious beasts. As you can see in the picture captured by the sole surviving knight, these are ruthless, vicious, and fearless animals, not a cuddly creature that spends its' Easter Sunday passing out candies and goodies for all the good boys and girls. I just hope we learn this message before it is to late.

As Americans, the most important question that we must answer is what is Homeland Security doing to protect us from this threat. While one bunny contained in England is not a direct threat, what happens if Al-Qaeda infiltrates a sleeper cell of giant bunnies into the heartland of America? If these bunnies ravage our crops, what will happen to all the people coming over hear illegally every year to pick them. Economically it could spell ruin for many non-Americans, physically, it will result in devestation that Americans haven't witnessed since Bessie the cow knocked over a lantern in Chicago oh so long ago.

Not everyone on our side of the pond is taking this threat seriously enough. The latest rumors uncovered by the Doghouse show that Giant Bunny has secretly been brought over for private workouts with a number of NFL teams looking for a tougher image. Detroit envisions him as their new logo, seeing that 'Lions' does not strike fear or intimidation into anyone. Said GM Millen, "as the Lions we are seen as a pushover game, but as the Bunnies we will finally get the respect we deserve for 35 years of no success". Dallas, meanwhile, feels he'll be a good balance to the team dynamic now that TO has joined the squad. Said Jerry Jones, "If TO gets out of line, we'll have the Bunny talk with him". Mel Kiper currently has Giant Bunny going late in the first round, but he seems to be making his way up many draft boards. Stay tuned for more information as it develops.


At 1:40 PM, Blogger kc40ash said...

I'm not sure if Detroit could find enough Celery Cap for the Wabbit.. He would command a high price...

At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Tracey said...

Oh yes, we do have large rabbits like this in England. I had one as a pet -- though I never saw him go after our prize cabbages!!


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