Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Dentist will see you now...

After 9,000 years it is nice to see that some things haven’t changed. Take for instance the recent discovery that prehistoric man not only had the gift of fire, speech, and tools, but the ability to inflict excruciating pain on family and friends. We’re not talking about being forced to watch your nephew’s kindergarten play on the food groups or looking at Aunt Dora’s fat camp vacation photos. Ancient Dental tools were discovered in a Pakistani graveyard, along with numerous human skulls showing finely drilled holes in their teeth, proving that Dentistry has been an inconvenience for more than 9,000 years now. Based on evidence collected at the scene with tour guide Osama bin Laden, we were able to piece together an example of how Dentistry worked then, which allows us to provide you with a contrast to today’s modern practice.

THEN: Hike 20 miles through hazardous terrain to schedule appointment in 6 moons.
NOW: Wait on hold for 20 minutes to schedule an appointment 6 months away at a time most convenient to you – the middle of your working day.

THEN: Arrive early for appointment. Wait in hut for two hours until Dentist can see you. Pass time throwing rocks at insects, lizards, and other patients.
NOW: Leave work to arrive early for appointment. Wait in lobby for two hours until Dentist can see you. Pass time reading periodicals from the reign of Caesar I (did you know he was named one of Peoples 50th best looking men in a toga?) and dodging spitballs from children left alone in the waiting room.

THEN: Anesthesia offered to clients. If chosen, Dentist applied using tool discovered in graveyard dig, nominally referred to now as a “rock”. Common side effects included the inability to drive motor vehicles for several hours, dizziness, concussions, and blood matted hair.
NOW: Anesthesia offered to clients. If chosen, Dentist applies using 5 inch long needle that even baseball players refuse to use. Dentist shoves entire fist in mouth and pokes the patient repeatedly in the gums until they pass out from pain. (The common misconception is the needle actually contains some type of medication). Common side effects include swelling, inability to eat, and an uncontrollable urge to shove your fist in your mouth.

THEN: Flint drill used in combination with small bow to rapidly rotate bit into patient’s teeth leaving perfectly symmetrical holes. Coincidentally, researches now believe that Dentistry precedes the discovery of fire, as the spontaneous combustion of patients is one of the primary side effects.
NOW: Electric drills rotate at high speed with ear shattering noise, leaving symmetrical holes and ruptured ear drums.

Just remember on your next trip to the Dentist that they are in a profession dating back 1,000s of years and deserve your respect. If that doesn’t work, just think about how easy it will be for them to come up with some ancient anesthesia.


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