Wednesday, April 05, 2006

This time he has gone too far…

We have all gone along with his humorous prognostications, laughed at his movie performance (don’t drive angry), and tolerated his innocent habit of ‘predicting’ worldwide weather from his little hole in Pennsylvania. But this time Punxsutawney Phil has crossed the line. It shouldn't be snowing in the artic circle, let alone in the Northeast, its APRIL 5th for heavens sake. Local media say, "what's the harm in a couple inches". Well, to them I say that first, you apparently don't know that to some woman size does matter, and second, that this April snowstorm is clearly a sign of the true nature of this Winter administration. Take a look at what has been uncovered here by our crack research staff.

It wasn’t but two short months ago that our furry nemesis decreed in his haughty tone that we were in for 6 more weeks of winter. Some say he merely forecasts the weather, but those who have heard the secret groundhog tapes recently intercepted by the NSA as part of their ‘legal’ eavesdropping of Americans campaign know better. The tapes clearly indicate that those who fail to make the proper offerings of bugs, grubs, fruit, and Rodent Porn DVDs are targeted for an extended winter. Clearly, P Phil (his streen name) is not only the spokesman for the Winter party, but one of its' secret power brokers as well. When we confronted Old Man Winter (the puppet Winter party leader) with evidence of snow in Connecticut he stated "that there is no snow, never was snow, and were no plans for making snow in the Northeast", citing that our claims are nothing more than biased propaganda from the liberal Spring Party aimed solely at tarnishing the reputation of his administration. Old Man Winter further stated that this is nothing short of an attempt to artificially create evidence to support an intervention against his Winter administration. The Spring Party refused to comment on these charges, Summer and Fall refused to take our calls.

All of this clearly shows that to end this reign of cold weather, we need to take out P Phil. For all those who doubt his ruthlessness, you have to look no further than last springs 'hunting incident' when P Phil "accidently" shot his friend Johny Squirrel in the face. To this date he still is unable to eat nuts, but won't turn on P Phil, sticking to the party line that he was shooting at something behind him. For those that actually believe that story, consider this secretly recovered photograph and ask yourself, "what reasonable groundhog hunts with an automtic weapon?"

Getting to P Phil won’t be easy as he is a made groundhog in Punxsutawney, with a lot of friends in the local rodent population, but we will not be deterred. With Tony Soprano in a coma, our immediate options are limited, but we will find a way to end this corupt regime. We will post more on our campaign as events develop.


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