Saturday, April 29, 2006

With the Number One Pick

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in the NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select to make the biggest mistake in their organizations brief history. The Doghouse will be busy watching the Draft this weekend, but will be sure to report back in on Monday.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Joke of Week Volume 2....

A long term welfare recipient walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary
package is $200,000 a year."

The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

Exciting News from the Minnesota Vikings

The Minnesota Vikings stunned their fan Thursday when they presented their bold new design for the team uniform in a party reminiscent of a NY runway show. As you can see in video of the event, the Viking players 'honored' to be present all shared in the excitement. Red faces and baleful looks aside, all the players shared one thought in common, 'I'm not getting paid enough for this shit'. Considering the average salary of an NFL player, that is quite the statement. Honestly, the Doghouse hasn't seen Vikings so embarrassed to be seen since Eric the Red mistakenly landed on Iceland (I didn't think England was so barren?). However, Viking Fan don't be depressed, as that was not the only news released yesterday. In an attempt to change the image of their players in the media, the Viking organization is proud to announce a new partnership with The Powerpuff Girls. While Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were not available for comment prior to writing this blog, the Vikings are excited to join these fascinating girls in their crime fighting escapades. Stay tuned for more, as inside sources are hinting they may be replacing their offensive coordinator with a famous broadway choreographer.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Kennedy's Stories that you may have Missed

I wish someone would explain to my owner that while I love Ducks, it doesn't mean I'm a Duck fan. In any case, here are some stories that you may have missed in the news recently....

  1. Sex in Lieu of Rent Gaining in Popularity: According to the story, a growing trend across the country is more and more landlords are now accepting sex in lieu of rent. Not sure how this is really breaking news, its' already been going on for hundreds of years, most often we refer to it as 'marriage'.
  2. What happens when you hire Principal Griswold: How do you award 4 busloads of middle school students for excellence in the classroom? By putting them on yellow school busses for 8 hours of driving across the Nevada/California desert. That's what happened when their planned outing to Six flags in California overlooked one small detail, Six flags was closed that day. Rumors that Principal Griswold stole a security guards gun and made him turn on all the rides for students is still being investigated.
  3. Oregon Man gets Nailed: Just in from the Pony express, in a 'suicide by nail gun' attempt, an unidentified Oregon man high on Meth shot himself 12 times in the head last year. His carpentry work was noticed when he reported to the local hospital with 'headaches' the next day. Xrays revealed the 12 nails varying in length from 1 1/2 to 2 inches imbedded in his skull. It is believed that no one else has ever survived as many intentional shots into the head. While not confirmed, it is believed the extra layer of blubber Oregonians grow to help keep rain off their backs is responsible for his survival.

Well, my time is done, I think I'll go bury his hat now...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The NFL Draft Drinking Game

With the NFL Draft fast approaching it is time to start preparing for those draft day parties we all love to have. The following is a Doghouse guide to making the most of your party.

Draft Pick Drinking
Guidelines for drinking after each pick is made.

1. Houston: If the Texans take Vince Young, make yourself some Texas Tea. If they select Reggie Bush, have a sex on the beach. If they take anyone else with the first pick, make sure you are on the right channel and take a shot of beer.

2. New Orleans: No matter who the Saints pick, if you are from New Orleans, drink a Hurricane. If you are not from New Orleans, take a shot of beer, then turn on all the fans and water in the house and leave running until after the Titans pick.

3. Titans: Turn on your local country music station and leave on until the Jets pick and take a shot of Jack.

4. NY Jets: If the Jets select Matt Leinart, stand up and yell 'Greeny'. Last one to do so has to get a manicure/pedicure. Everyone else takes a sip of Evian. If the Jets select anyone else, swear at the tv and take a shot of beer.

5. Green Bay Packers: If you are a fan, stand up and recite Vince Lombardi's coaching achievements, then take a shot of beer. If you are not a Green Bay fan, but are watching the draft with one, take a shot of beer and slip a rohypnol in their drink so you can enjoy the rest of the draft without hearing how Favre will take them back to the Super Bowl this year.

6. San Francisco: If the 49'ers select AJ Hawk, stand up and say F' Michigan then tap a new Keg. If the 49'ers select anyone else, make yourself a mixed drink and comment on your neighbors shoes.

7. Oakland: Drink a beer and challenge anyone not wearing black to a fight. If that doesn't work, punch the person to your right.

8. Buffalo: If you are a fan, stand up and say, 'I can't believe we hired Dick', then take a shot of Jagermeister. If you are not a fan, stand up and say, 'I can't believe they hired Dick', then make the Buffalo fans take a second shot of Jager.

9. Detroit: If the Lions draft a Wide Receiver, TE, or QB, all fans must drink a bottle of Colt, then row themselves to the middle of Lake Michigan in a leaky boat. If they draft anyone else, stand up, say 'Fire Millen' and take a shot of Colt. All non fans can use this time to hit the head.

10. Arizona: If you are a Cardinals fan, take a shot of beer no matter who is drafted. If you are not a Cardinals fan, turn your heat up to 100 and keep drinking beer until your Packer friend wakes up.

Draft Coverage Drinking
Guidelines for drinking during the general draft coverage.

Unless otherwise noted, you must take a shot of beer after each of the following occur:
  • Take one shot of beer for every reporter ESPN has in NY to cover the draft;
  • Mel Kiper says 'He's been moving up my board';
  • They say the word 'Katrina';
  • Each time NY fans boo a pick;
  • They show a player in the blue room wearing diamond studs the size of a small bowling ball;
  • They show a player's mother crying after her son is drafted;
  • Announcers say the word 'Favre'; If they use 'Favre' and 'Super Bowl' in the same sentence, drink the whole can;
  • They say, 'The Duke', stand up and take a drink;
  • They say, 'Lets go to the Podium';
  • Any announcer says, 'I don't agree with that pick';

These are just a guide of course, I don't want a weeks worth of posts taken up in one blog. Let us know how they work for you!

Joey Persecution is getting out of hand is the latest to get on the Joey Bashing train. In a piece of (insert adjective here) work they released recently titled, 'Top Draft Busts of the Modern Era', they named Joey Harrington as the #2 bust of all time. Really? Now, you can question the order they placed players in or wonder why they say 23 but only list 22 players, but you have to wonder how they justify placing Joey on this list. First of all, of the 22 players listed, Joey is the only one currently active in the NFL. Second, if you are going by Joeys stats and performance on the field, than he is not even the #1 bust in his own draft class, that honor would fall to David Carr. Yep, Carr has similar stats, worse TD-INT ratio, slightly fewer wins, and 12 fewer TD passes. Unlike Joey however, the Texans and media feel they haven't done enough to surround him with talent, so Carr gets an extension. Joey, playing for the Asylum in Detroit gets listed as the #2 bust of all time. As a side note, judging by this piece, it looks like is in need of sports writers. Best part? No actual sports knowledge is required!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I AM the CUTEST Thing Ever!!

All I'll say is if all rescue Weimaraners needing a home were as cute as 4 1/2 month old Athena here, then rescue work would be simple. She'll find a great home quicker than Tom Delay found illegal campaign contributions. Unfortunately, not all rescues are an adorable pup, too many are mature dogs that people don't want to give a chance. Speaking as someone who has twice taken in older dogs, let me say they have as much, or more, to offer a family. While we love the precocious pups like Athena, don't forget their 5 year old siblings!!

Much Ado about Nothing

Breaking news this week: A high profile player from a high profile conference may have (indirectly) received illegal benefits from (insert agent name/booster name/alumni name here). Tell me what else is new. This week it was former USC star back and Heisman winner Reggie Bush in the spotlight because his mother and step father were leasing a home in San Diego from a would be promoter and friend of an agent with a value over $750,000. Mansion right? While $750,000 may buy you the state of Alabama, it is only slightly above the average value for a home in that area. As for the leasee being the 'friend of an Agent', for those of you who aren't familiar with the area there are four basic types of people who live in California:
  • Actors;
  • Would be Actors;
  • Agents;
  • People in San Francisco.

As you can see, you would have an easier time finding a Teacher in California that doesn't want to dump Arnold than finding a person who doesn't know an Agent. Did Reggie Bush or his family receive benefits due to his status of being a star at USC? I'm sure they did. Do we know all the facts of this case? Absolutely not. Is this situation being blown out of proportion? Absolutely. Let the investigation play out before condemning the future #1 pick of the NFL Draft.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Sleeping with Amazons

What is your sleeping pose? Based on the apparently irrelevant questions from the site 'the secret language of sleep', I am a 'Tetherball' sleeper. As you can surmise from the picture at left, this is defined as a thumb sucking girlie man who sleeps in fear next to a giant Amazon. This is going to give me nightmares, think I'll start sleeping on the couch again.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Rabbits 1, Hounds 0

This poor pooch had a tough time yesterday.
Just another sign of the dangers rabbits present in our society. Is it just me though or does the picture remind anyone of an old Saturday morning cartoon?

This movie would break all box office records.

Stole this picture from Collectorplanet (not sure where they stole it from, if they did), just had to share with everyone. If this movie was made, with the cast of characters listed, I guarantee you that men would start lining up to see it tomorrow. Maybe it is a sad state of affairs for our country, but that is just the way it is today. If you need me I'll be getting my sleeping bag and tent ready (just in case).

Friday, April 21, 2006

Bring out your Virgins!

Earlier this week an Oklahoma man created quite a stir in his community when he placed a sign in his yard. Michael Theleman of Bray, Oklahoma advertised he would pay $1,000 for a virgin bride between the ages of 12 and 24. Succumbing to community pressure, he apparently replaced it with another sign where he reworded his message and left out any ages. At the Doghouse we don't feel Michael's future wedding plans should rest solely in God's hands, so we thought we might help him out by writing a personal add for him.

Looking for girls 12-24 to become my wife.
(Will consider a mature 8 as well.)
Future wife will be responsible for cooking, cleaning the doublewide,
all beard maintenance responsibilities, and attending Jr. High School
(Must maintain a D+ average or score
more than 7 on the Wonderlic test).
Family of selected girl will receive $1,000,
payable in food stamps or welfare checks.
Immediate openings available. Serious inquiries only.

Edit: For those who are confused and keep asking me, I do not know what religion Michael practices, but am certain he is not a Mormon as he is only looking for 'a bride' and he isn't a Southern Baptist because he did not say 'God will strike me down if I don't get a child bride'.

Friday Night Video: Over My Head by The Fray

Just wanted to share a video I recently saw and enjoyed. If you enjoy the song I suggest purchasing their latest album. Edit: this was Savin Me by Nickleback, but thought I'd share a more obscure group instead.

Music Video Codes by

Weekly Joke...................

In an effort to bring humor to Weimdog's Doghouse, I will post a joke every Friday. So here is Volume 1:

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.







She screams.






I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

New White House Press Secretary Announced

In a move clearly designed to reinforce the 'decisive' image of this administration, they have announced the hiring of Palo the mime as the new White House Press Secretary. Palo offers a sharp contrast to former secretary Scott "I'll get back to you" McClellan's approach of avoiding questions, ignoring questions, or simply flat out lying. With Palo, who is an expert pantomimist, it is hoped that the press corp will be so confused by the images he is trying to portray that they will simply follow the Fox news line and report how wonderful everything is. If pantomime fails to confuse them, Palo will simply resort to mimicry of the press corp. If you have ever imitated the monkeys at the zoo, you can surely imagine the chaos that will consume the White House Press Corp once Palo gets started.

Open invitation to play White House Bingo

Anyone can play, the rules are simple. As members of the inner circle, cabinet, appointees, or family members resign, look for better opportunites, or leave home they get checked off. The first to complete a row horizontally, diagonally, or vertically wins. Also, if President Bush resigns, everyone is an automatic winner!

Column 1
Andy Card, White House Chief of Staff; Dept. of State Secretary Condoleezza Rice; Dept. of Education Secretary Margaret Spellings; First Lady Laura Bush, FEMA Director Michael Brown.

Column 2
Dept. of Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns; The Bush Twins; Former President George Bush Sr; Dept. of Labor Secretary Elaine Chao; Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers.

Column 3
Dept. of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld; Dept. of Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman; President George Bush; House Majority Leader Tom Delay; Former First Lady Barbara Bush.

Column 4
Dept. of Housing & Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson; Vice President Dick Cheney; Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Peter Pace; ‘Barney’ the President’s Dog; Chief Justice Roberts.

Column 5
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan; Director of White House Faith Based & Community initiatives Jim Towey; Dept. of Treasury Secretary John Snow; Dept. of Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta; Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

Joey can see the light the end of the tunnel, and it comes out to a beach. South Beach in fact. After playing 4 years with an organization that let the inmates run the asylum Joey has declared that Miami is his one and only destination. So, unless a team like Denver wants to take on his remaining contract, the Lions can either just end it now and take a 6th round pick next year or a 7th this year. That, or wait until June and cut him for which they will receive nothing. While this news has just been released, it is interesting to read some of the backlash of the anti Joey fans. Calling this 'classless', 'showing his true colors'. I don't know about them, but if you were in Joey's position, for four years, I'm guessing most would have broken down and gone Columbine in the locker room years before. The Lions told Joey to give them a list of teams. He did. The organization has had three months to work a deal, and while he may be worth a day one pick, no team will give one for him because they know he will be released in the end. Frankly, with the Bengals signing of Wright today, there are really only one or two teams left. Make the trade, move on, let Joey do the same.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Pot, meet Kettle

Funny how nations have double standards for immigration management. Seems that Mexico doesn't manage their immigrants from Central America quite as well as we do. Of course, that makes sense to a degree, when you read this article. Let me get this straight, Mexico, a country with a long, proud history, older than our own, takes pride in the fact that 6+ million of its' citizens are rallying to obtain citizenship in another country. That makes a lot of sense. I know quite a few Senators, Congressman, and other Political leaders I'd love to take pride in just about now, unfortunately, I doubt any other country would accept them.

I warned everyone about the Bunnies.

Just over a week ago, the Doghouse warned everyone of an impending threat from across the Pond. Now it looks like it is already upon us.

Is this the real reason behind the sudden influx of departures from the HMS George Bush? Seems fewer rats fled the Titanic than have jumped ship from this administration recently. I wonder if Flopsy will be the new Press Secretary.

5 Things I hate to hear when my wife comes home...

I got hit with another one of these babies today, I'll add to the list as I recall them (try and surpress them as you can imagine) or as new lines get added.
  1. Remember my car?
  2. My mother called.
  3. I want to adopt a 3 year old.
  4. I think you should shave your head.
  5. I want to concrete our front lawn.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tanking in Memphis?

A lot of the talking pundits today have raised the issue of the LA Clippers possibly 'tanking' their game against the Grizzlies in Memphis tonight. [For those that don't know, the Clippers and Grizzlies play in the National Basketball Association.] At issue is a favorable playoff seed. The Griz currently sit in the 5th slot, one game up on the Clippers, with each team having two games to play (including tonight's match-up). If the Clippers lose, then they guarantee themselves the #6 seed in the Western Conference. Why is it that important? The #5 seed has the honor of playing the #4 seed Dallas Mavericks, who happen to have won 60 games and hold the second best conference mark in the West. Then, if you happen to beat them in a best of 35 game series, you get to (probably) play the #1 seed San Antonio Spurs in the second round, who had the best mark in the West this year. Meanwhile, if you are the #6 seed, you will face the #3 seed Denver Nuggets, and, since you have a better record than the Nuggets, you will play at home. So, to summarize, if the Clippers win and end in the 5th slot, they get to play the next two rounds against teams that have won over 120 games this season. If they lose, they get to play the first round as the home team, against a franchise that is just returning a player recently shot while driving around on the local expressway.

Well, fortunately for NBA fans, the Clippers are an organization with a rich history of winning and professionalism. To quell any rumors, however, of resting starters or changing rotations, we contacted the Clippers and asked if they would send us their lineup for the game this evening.

They provided instead the latest team photo. As you can see, they are a young team, but hungry for some victories. I'll grant you that some of their starters are nursing injuries and have had to be replaced, but that is common late in the season. While the temporary replacements struggled at home against Seattle Sunday night, losing by double digits, in their defense, the game did not start until it was already past their bedtimes. All I know is, for those 20 or so odd people who care about basketball, that should be one heck of a game tonight in Memphis.

Monday, April 17, 2006

I've been voted off the Island

It doesn't seem to help that I hold the immunity amulets (aka, their leashes), every night it is the same ritual. Daddy stays up late watching sports, reading, surfing the net, and when he comes to bed, he finds that the natives have given him the boot.

Don't get me wrong, sleeping on the couch or spare bed is a right of passage for many men. My complaint is I do it to often without having earned it, you know, really messing up. Maybe I'll feel better if I download some porn.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

My Wife for a Starbucks, please!

This morning started as any typical Sunday morning. Late to bed Saturday night, then up at 1, 3, 5, and 7 to let the dogs out (they work on a rotation, taking turns getting me up). Hitting the road (it is best to sneak out during feeding time), I was off on a journey to the big box stores. Now, while that may sound boring to some (most, ok all) out here in Connecticut it has special meaning. Quality of the people? Availability of high end merchandise? Umm, no. It means I will be driving by the closest full retail Starbucks in my area! Those living in the Northwest just don't understand, so I'll try and fill you in on what it is like. In Connecticut, if you close your eyes and throw a rock you'll hit one of three things (in no particular order)

  1. A Church;
  2. A Dunkin' Donuts;
  3. A government employee taking kickbacks.
(If you don't believe me, ask NBC, I'm sure they will have ABC run a poll for you.) In Oregon, there were 34 Starbuck's locations within 10 miles of my old Sherwood home. 34. Contrast that to Connecticut, and you will find 5 stores within 10 miles of our new home in Vernon. Call me a snob, call me a coffee connoisseur, just please call me when they open up some more stores.... I'm running out of excuses to drive to Home Depot.

Happy Easter from Roggie!

For those that do not know, I spent 95% of last year doing Weimaraner Rescue work for the Nutmeg Weimaraner Club. That loosely means I took in abandoned dogs (or found places for them to temporarily stay), took them to the vet, worked on their behaviors, and then found them new homes. Roggie here was easy, and also my second dog placed. He is a young Blue Male Weimaraner formerly known as Poppie who now resides in the Philly area with a great family. I can only hope they have raised him properly, you know, an NFL fan, but I’m sure they are trying their best. If you ever have questions about what you can do to support breed rescue or animal rescue programs, please feel free to ask.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

What is George thinking?

Seeing how it is Good Friday, we thought that it would be a good time to check in and see what is going on with our President this weekend.

Wow, that is pretty interesting. I don't even know if SNL is new or a repeat. Thanks for the reminder Mr. President, I'll go check now.

Friday, April 14, 2006

The true history between Brown and Marbury

As most NBA fans know (1,500 or so at last count), this has been a season of disappointment for the New York Knicks. While the team had high expectations with the arrival of Larry Brown, much of the season has been marked by the discord between Brown and their star player Stephon Marbury. In fact, many are already speculating that Marbury will not even be with the team next year. So what has really happened? Are all the problems truly about coaching and playing styles as we have been led to believe by the media? Well, at the Doghouse, we don't take what the media says at face value, so our crack team did a little research (emphasis on little). What we uncovered is a little shocking. It seems that before the season, in a gesture presumed to be purely good will, Larry Brown sent Stephon on an all expense paid, deluxe vacation to South Africa, where he could get some sun, snorkeling, and kayaking in. However, as you can see from this just released photo, it was anything but fun for Marbury this day.

We aren't sure what the greater mystery is, how Larry convinced Stephon that kayaking is actually fun, or how he arranged for the Great White to be on his beach that particular day. Needless to say, this incident greatly cooled the relationship between these two. While nobody can prove Larry sent the shark as a cap cutting measure, the fact that Larry only paid for a one way ticket certainly looks damaging for his case.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The latest spot to find single woman?

Every week it seems we are hearing about sexual assault charges being brought up against female teachers for having sex with their students, in one case 28 times in one week. 28 times??? I have a term for that, I call it last year (jk). Speaking for myself, the teachers should all be charged to the fullest extent of the law. When dealing with minors there is no 'consensual' activity, and responsibility and blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the teachers. The reality, though, is there is one question on everyones mind... who turned them in? I'll bet my mortgage it wasn't the kids, they were living out (inappropriately) every typical middle aged boys fantasy. What kid that age doesn't start thinking about sex, especially in today's society. Who better to fixate on then the teachers you see day in and day out. Now, we aren't just talking less than attractive trolling for whatever they can get teachers, some of those charged would turn heads on a NYC street, which begs the question, what can a 12 year old boy offer that a 30 year old man can't? Honestly, I'm afraid to find out the answer. All I know is, if I'm suddenly single again, I'll be checking out the teachers lounge of my local schools first.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Today's Ebaum Puzzle

Have spent about 20 minutes playing this game called orboxdoxB. Interesting, certainly makes you think. Just started level 15. I'm sure I'll get sucked into the abyss again later. Nice thing is you can stop and restart where you left off (using the password).

Sneak Preview: 2006 NFL Draft Results

As you know, the 2006 NFL Draft is coming up on April 29th in New York City. Unfortunately, that is 17 days to long for people with our attention spans. So, as only your friends at the Doghouse can do, we have stepped into our 'way back machine' (just facing the other way, ala Calvin and Hobbes) to view the first few picks live and in person (don't ask how we can report live from the future, something to do with quantum physics). Perfect, it looks like we are getting ready to start.

1. Houston 2. New Orleans 3. Tennessee 4. NY Jets 5. Green Bay 6. San Francisco

Alright, the commissioner is approaching the podium now.....

"Paul Tagliabue:With the first pick, in the 2006, NFL Draft, The Houston Texans pick Tom Delay, Fundraiser out of Texas"

Holy $%#* you should hear the pandimonium going on in this place. Lets hear what the commentators have to say...

Mel: Well, as you know, since Tom Delay stepped down I've had him moving up the draft board. If you had bought my draft guide you would know that.

Tom: How can this pick possibly help this franchise? They have serious holes to fill with Coach Kubiak in his first year, he can't possibly be happy with this pick.

John: Possible the Texans saw something to be concerned about with top prospects Young, Bush and Lenart.

Mike: Lets go live to a statement from Texans Owner Bob McNair.

Bob McNair: We are excited to make Tom Delay part of the Texans franchise. As most fans realize, in the end its' about the money, and no one knows about raising money like Tom. Reggie Bush or Vince Young would have certainly made us a better team, but with Delay on board we feel he can generate an easy 100 million in tax free revenue for this franchise year in and year out. An opportunity like that is just to hard to pass up.

Wow, in a weird way that really does make sense. Well, that should make New Orleans faithful happy, they have their choice of top prospects left. Looks like their pick is in, lets listen.

"Paul Tagliabue:With the second pick, in the 2006, NFL Draft, The Houston Texans pick former FEMA director Michael Brown, Crisis Management Consultant, out of Oklahoma."

Wow, we didn't think anything could be more shocking than Tom Delay going #1, boy were we wrong.

Mel: Well, as you know, since Michael Brown stepped down I've had him moving up the draft board. If you had bought my draft guide you would know that.

Tom: Where am I, the twilight zone? Coach Payton can't be happy with this pick.

John: Possible the Saints saw some bright spots in how he managed the Katrina disaster.

Mike: Lets go live to a statement from Saints Owner Tom Benson.

Tom Benson: I realized after last season that if I ever wanted to be able to come back to New Orleans again, I had to find someone that would be even more hated than I am. We're confident that Michael Brown will fill that role admirably.

Wow, I can't wait for you all to see this in two weeks. We'll listen in and give you another report later.

Our Taxes are done!

Now I just have to actually file them, woo hoo. More on the draft coming up soon.....

Sneak Preveiw: 2006 NFL Draft Results Part II

Sorry for the delay in reporting back to you, but we'll go back live to the draft now as the Titans come up for their pick. If it is like the first two picks, should be interesting.

1. Houston -Tom Delay, Texas 2. New Orleans -Michael Brown, Oklahoma 3. Tennessee 4. NY Jets 5. Green Bay 6. San Francisco

Alright, the commissioner is approaching the podium now.....

"Paul Tagliabue: With the third pick, in the 2006, NFL Draft, The Tennessee Titans select Senator Bill Frist, MD out of Tennessee"

Wow, sticking to form, the Titans have laid a very interesting pick down on us. Lets switch back to the ESPN coverage.

Mel: Well, as you know, since Bill First has been at the top of my draft board since he became Senate Majority Leader. If you had bought my draft guide you would know that.

Tom: Am I in the right place? What is Norm Chow going to do with Senator Frist to help this ball club.

John: On a team with continuous health problems and an aging veteran QB, I can see where Senator Frist fits into this organization.

Mike: Lets go live to a statement from Titans Owner Bud Adams.

Bud Adams: While we took a hard look at Leinart, Bush, and Young, it is with great pride that we select Senator Frist to join our organization. With Senator Frist's uncanny ability to remotely diagnosis injuries and speculate medical prognosis in patients he has never even met or seen, he has huge upside in keeping Steve McNair, Chris Brown, and all other players healthy and on the field. His breakthrough work on the Schiavo case in Florida really marked him as the man we wanted for this team

Again, this is huge. It isn't the Pac 10, Big 10, or SEC that is dominating the early part of this draft, it is the previously seldom used and much maligned Capital District of Washington DC that is now responsible for the first three picks.

With the NY Jets now on the clock, we can safely tell you the spectators are building themselves up into a frenzied climax here as we wait for their card to be walked up to the podium. With all of the traditional college stars still available, this should give the Jets franchise a chance to make huge stride within their division. We didn't describe the scene before, but while we wait lets just say wall to wall people. ESPN has 49 announcers covering the draft, while ESPN Radio's Mike Greenberg has set up his own eco tent, stocked with Evian and Dora the Explorer cds. He is even wearing a NY Jets Leinart jersey that someone made up for him. Ok, here comes the Jets draft card.

"Paul Tagliabue:With the fourth pick, in the 2006, NFL Draft, The NY Jets select Rudolph Guliani, Republican, from New York."

Oh my god, you have to hear this for yourself. The Giant fans are laughing uncontrolably and, oh that is just so sad, if you have never seen a metrasexual man cry before, it is not a pretty picture. Hope the NYFD is here, they are going to have to start pumping water from that eco tent soon. Looks like Golic is going in there to console Greeny so things should, wait, scratch that, Golic just wanted to finish off Greeny's sandwich. What does ESPN have to say.

Mel: I can't pretend anymore, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.

Tom: Does anyone here have a bottle?.

John: Former Mayor Guliani should bring a lot of character and class to the organization.

Mike: Lets go live to a statement from Jets Owner Woody Johnson.

Woody Johnson: I'll be straight with everyone. We really don't have a need for a man of Rudolph Guliani's immense talent, but frankly the Democratic National Party paid us an amount we couldn't refuse to draft him and keep him out of the 2008 Presidential elections, god knows the Democrats need all the help they can get. If they couldn't beat a President with as poor of rating and lack of success as President Bush, what chance would they have against a man like Mr Guliani. No, the only way for the Democrats to prevail in '08 is for the Jets to sign the former mayor and contractually bar him from running, not that we need to, honestly, when was the last time a Jet has won anything?

This is so exciting, we really can't describe. Alright, Green Bay is on the clock, oh, wait a second, I guess their pick is in, they are coming up to the podium again already.

"At this time, the NFL is going to suspend the 2006 NFL Draft. It seems Mr. Favre is not ready to make his decision on retirement yet, so we will continue with the draft at that point. Based on current conversations, this might also force us to push back the start of mini camps, training camps, the regular season, and the post season. The league will keep everyone updated on the status of these negotiations, thank you."

Ok, well, we all know it may be 2020 before that decision is made so we'll just sign off now. Enjoy the rest of the Draft, if it ever comes off. Oh, last thing, we were able to snap this picture of the #1 draft pick for you, enjoy!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Ebaum's World is addicting

Their damn puzzle games suck you in and before you know it there is a Bush in the whitehouse, again.... :o) Can you solve this one? I know I'll never get those 5 minutes of my life back, but at least I can say the frogs all line up...

Ok, so it isn't so hard. However, if you want to increase the difficulty, try doing that with my dogs :o)...


...and the Pirate's ownership is not doing enough to build a winner in Pittsburgh. Michael Keaton had those words before throwing out the opening pitch in the Pirates home opener, wearing a Hines Ward 86 cap. Um, we all love Football Michael but can't you at least 'act' to care about Baseball? Who am I to talk though, I couldn't even tell you who won (unless you are talking about Seattle who has lost three in a row, darn those A's). Pirate's fans, have no fear. Honestly, do you really care what Keaton says? He reportedly even turned down a role as Captain Jack of Pirates of the Caribbean... Maybe if Michael says Beetlejuice three times his career will resuscitate.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Warning: Pornographic material contained within.

Western Culture has now truly arrived in the Southwest Pacific. For those of you that may not have heard, Playboy has added Indonesia to its’ list of over 20 countries that receive a form of Hue’s magazine. Rather than make our readers wait for their copies to reach American shores, your diligent and thoughtful Doghouse staff has secreted away some photos from the newest publication.

This first beautiful shot shows the inside of Hue's Jakarta mansion during one of his famous 'Playmate' parties. Check all those bunnies out. I am guessing he is already the highlight of the city.

Here is Miss March. It says she likes poetry, walks on the beach, hates mean people, and loves dogs. Isn't she a coy little thing? Imagine the endless fantasies you will have with her pinned up on your wall.

That ice looks cold but she is so hot. Brrrrrrrrrrr, I get cold just looking at her, but she'll warm you up on those hot winter nights. For those of you more attracted to the athletic woman, this is the playmate that will have you saying, Sasha who? (Personally, I get cold just seeing her on the ice like that... brrrrrrrrrrr.)

No photo spread would be complete without scenes from the beach. Sand, water, and scantily clad women are the earmarks of a great Summer's day, and who wouldn't want to spend the day with this fine lady. Grace, elegance, and stunning beauty, all in one package, I'm ready to dive in myself.

If you want to see the rest, you'll just have to wait for the magazine like everyone else. That is assuming, of course, that the widespread rioting, looting, and burning that is most likely to occur doesn't get to your copies first. Hey, maybe we should have the Danes print up another cartoon to draw the ire of the community away from Playboy.... hmmmmm

Geesh, April 15th is only 5 days away....

While we have Christmas in April in 19 days (NFL Draft, woo hoo), i'm still figuring out what Peter owes Paul. Would have been done earlier, but on principal, I didn't want to disconnect my router, and of course, my tax program wouldn't work with it. Sigh. Half done, too sick to do the rest. April sucks (except for the Draft!)

Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Apparently Wallace and Gromit weren't to far off base when they produced their last movie. According to news reports in London a giant rabbit has been terrorizing and eating a swath through gardens in Northeastern England, so much so that local residents have hired armed guards to protect their vegetable patches. The Daffy Duck detective agency has not commented publicly since being hired, but in a statement just released to the press they said simply, "I hate that rabbit". Marvin the Martian, while not officially involved in the pursuit of this rabbit, has apparently offered the use of his lludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator to local authorities. We realize, of course, that in making this offer Marvin is simply hoping we'll blow ourselves up, allowing him a clear view of Venus from his home on Mars.

While Englanders appreciate the peril they are all in from this threat, it is hard for those living in America to truly understand just how they feel without knowing the history of these viscous beasts. It isn't that we don't appreciate the terror and havoc that a large furry bunny can create in a community, it is just that we don't have the history in seeing first hand the devastation it causes on man and vegetable.

Ask any in England and they, with a sad heart, will point you to the histories of King Arthur as chronicled by Monty Python. Within those pages, you will read the story of what happened when King Arthur's valiant knights came across just one of these vicious beasts. As you can see in the picture captured by the sole surviving knight, these are ruthless, vicious, and fearless animals, not a cuddly creature that spends its' Easter Sunday passing out candies and goodies for all the good boys and girls. I just hope we learn this message before it is to late.

As Americans, the most important question that we must answer is what is Homeland Security doing to protect us from this threat. While one bunny contained in England is not a direct threat, what happens if Al-Qaeda infiltrates a sleeper cell of giant bunnies into the heartland of America? If these bunnies ravage our crops, what will happen to all the people coming over hear illegally every year to pick them. Economically it could spell ruin for many non-Americans, physically, it will result in devestation that Americans haven't witnessed since Bessie the cow knocked over a lantern in Chicago oh so long ago.

Not everyone on our side of the pond is taking this threat seriously enough. The latest rumors uncovered by the Doghouse show that Giant Bunny has secretly been brought over for private workouts with a number of NFL teams looking for a tougher image. Detroit envisions him as their new logo, seeing that 'Lions' does not strike fear or intimidation into anyone. Said GM Millen, "as the Lions we are seen as a pushover game, but as the Bunnies we will finally get the respect we deserve for 35 years of no success". Dallas, meanwhile, feels he'll be a good balance to the team dynamic now that TO has joined the squad. Said Jerry Jones, "If TO gets out of line, we'll have the Bunny talk with him". Mel Kiper currently has Giant Bunny going late in the first round, but he seems to be making his way up many draft boards. Stay tuned for more information as it develops.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

What is she thinking?

I stumbled upon this picture today taken from a NY Ranger's hockey game. Don't know when, don't know against who, just found the woman's expression troubling. Things don't seem to be going well for her, so your crack Doghouse staff has dedicated the next minute of their lives to figuring out what is running through her mind at this moment in order to help resolve her angst....

  • He is so buying me a Prada bag for this;
  • I just don't understand why they say ending the hockey strike was a good thing;
  • If that kid bangs on the glass one more time I'm going to club him over the head;
  • I thought my periods were long;
  • Mental note, no more bean burritos before sitting in an icebox... wonder if anyone else smelled that;
  • Why don't the greenhouse gasses escape through the hole in the ozone layer? Oh great, my heel is stuck in gum again...;
  • When is the 7th inning stretch, I really need to pee;
  • If he makes me miss Desperate Housewives again there will be hell to pay.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Finally, some real justice for panty thieves...

As reported by the associated press in the, a 25 year old Wisconsin man was sentenced to one year of jail and ten years of probation for his second conviction for stealing panties. While the latest charge involves the theft of three pairs of 'distinctive' looking panties, overall police say they can link him to 854 thefts. His sentence carries a $2,500 fine (that’s a lot of panties) and, more importantly, he will now have to register as a sex offender. Excuse me? This man may be a lot of things, an idiot, habitual B&E felon, but sex offender? He hasn't proven to be a menace to women, just to their clothing, and while I don't pretend to be an expert on the subject, but is there truly a correlation between habitual panty theft and rape/sexual abuse of women? Are we saying midnight panty raids at band camp are no longer mischievous acts but sexual assault? What is the charge for men who like wearing women's underwear (they feel natural, not that I would know)? Conversely, is this another case of different levels of justice for men and women? Next time your girlfriend steals your boxers on a lazy Sunday afternoon does she run the risk of incarceration?

Sports Numbers

256 Number of regular season games we have to look forward to in the NFL in 2006. Coincidently, it is also same number of times WRs dropped passes, ran the wrong route, or weren’t activated to play while Joey was quarterback in Detroit. (+/-6)

60-1 Odds that Detroit will win the next Super Bowl. Those are the same odds that Brett Favre will announce his playing status for next year before we all stop caring.

$32 The cost of a Joey Harrington Elite Autograph rookie card, the same card that sold for over $100 just a year ago. Also the estimated price for a gallon of Premium Unleaded in the year 2010.

21 Days until we can spend a weekend listening to Mel Kiper and the gang discuss the NFL draft. Also a decent score on the Wonderlic test, not so hot score on an IQ test.

7 The number of months that Maggie Dixon spent coaching the Army Cadets woman’s basketball team. Maggie was the 7th coach in the programs history, and led them to a 20 win season, Patriot League title, and NCAA Tournament birth. Seems she made a tremendous impression in such a short time.

5 The number of prospects who have accepted invitations to attend the April 29th NFL draft in NYC. The same number of teams that Joey should consider playing for next year (Kansas City, Seattle, Miami, Denver, and Cincinnati)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Sometimes, you have to wonder.

Lead story on the 11:00 CBS (local) evening news is about the hunt for an online predator. Apparently, a 21 year old man from CT has been meeting girls using the website, and the police now have a warrant for his arrest for statutory rape. The suspect has apparently fled the jurisdiction, but the police are confident they will catch him. Why you may ask? Well, as they announce to all of Connecticut on the news, Myspace has flagged his account and will notify the police immediately when he logs in again. Now, I’m not a criminologist, but when you have a suspect at large, wouldn’t it make sense not to inform them how they might be caught?

You’ve reached Microsoft office support you know

Microsoft corp. announced this week that it is adding 100 customer service positions in its’ Fargo, ND location. While I fully support Microsoft’s initiative at improving customer service for their office products, I’m just concerned about a growing trend in corporations these days to outsource jobs away from Americans. Now I’m not defining “Americans” as people who actually hold US Citizenship (of which we seem to be close to adding 11 million more) but rather those that live as Americans. Case in point, according to the FBI, North Dakota has one of the lowest crime rates in the nation. Does that sound like your city or state? If there aren’t at least three shootings a week around here you have to figure either the media isn’t reporting the news, or it’s a bad day to leave the house.

When you begin to research the area itself, which your crack staff here at the Doghouse has been doing for the last minute and a half, you’ll uncover some interesting information about your fellow 'Americans' in North Dakota. One thing we learned is that ‘Dakota’ is a Sioux term meaning ‘friends’ or ‘allies’, at least it used to mean that until we drove the original inhabitants from their land. Now, it simply means ‘people who easily fall for what the US government says’, or as they are known in the West, ‘Republicans’.

We also learned that on their famous journey to Oregon, Lewis and Clark spent a great deal of their time in North Dakota. Some say it was to stock up on provisions before heading further into the unexplored wiles of I-94. Truth be told, however, it was simpler than that. It seems that while Lewis was the great explorer, Clark only came along because Lewis said, “hey, you know we’ll be going through North Dakota, there are a lot of hot woman there for you to find”. (If you couldn’t guess, Clark was a Republican). Now, please, don't get me wrong, I don’t want to imply that there aren’t a number of attractive, desirable woman living in North Dakota today. However, considering the high number of Rodeos taking place each year, you have to imagine that passing through the state is more like a trip up Brokeback Mountain than a night at Studio 54.

Back on point, to settle the issue of whether people in the state feel like Americans we contacted NBC to conduct an in depth, comprehensive survey of the local population. NBC, then hired ABC to complete the survey for them, while CBS developed their 54th crime investigation show, CSI Cancoon. The survey results were quite revealing, and showed that people living in North Dakota fall into one of four categories:

1) The largest group (in red) represents counties where the majority of the populace did not even realize they were living in North Dakota. Some thought they were in Kansas, others seemed to have wandered away from Minnesota, but the majority thought they were in Canada, just a very southern province of it.
2) The second group (in purple) is comprised of people who simply didn’t realize that Lewis and Clark found anything West of their fair state. To be fair, their textbooks were slates from 1823, and the local news seems to refer to everything West of the Mississippi as the Western Wasteland.
3) The third group (in yellow), well, they just love Sunflowers. Most were to busy planting, growing, and eating seeds to even respond. Most likely they did not even know there was a survey.
4) Lastly, you have the rodeo group (in brokeblack). They like things how they are. Last heard they were petitioning to rename the state, ‘Brokeback Dakota’. More on that story as it develops.

Maybe we’ll never know the truth, I suppose, for now, we can accept the fact that since the US Mint put them on the back of a Quarter, they must be a viable part of the American Economy. Don't be surprised if the next you call the friendly people at Microsoft for support, you get, ‘You’ve reached Microsoft office support you know, what seems to be your problem eh?’

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Is NBC reporting news or making it?

The NBC news show, “Dateline NBC” has raised the ire of NASCAR during its’ latest investigative report. Operating from results of a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll that NBC apparently found ‘intriguing’, the show has launched a nationwide look into a (reportedly) growing anti-Muslim sentiment in America. [In a side note, CBS will investigate why NBC is operating from data collected by ABC. FOX has declined to get involved, simply stating that this administration is doing one heck of a job.] Dateline sent Muslim looking men (otherwise known as Muslims) and camera crews to the NASCAR race held in Martinsville, VA last weekend to capture the reactions of fans to their presence. As with most ideas originating from NBC, nothing happened. The fans had no visible reaction to their presence, although when they left the race the Danish fans came out of hiding. NBC is confident that their reporting teams are pursuing this alleged anti-Muslim sentiment in America story in a fair manner, and that this is just the first of many stops in this story. While NBC may feel confident, we in the Doghouse don’t share that sentiment. Why? NBC has apparently repressed the results of previous, less than satisfactory, undercover sting operations….

  • Who can forget the tragic results of Macaulay Culkin’s investigative report into excessive use of Soul Glo among members of the Harlem Boys Choir?

or this dismal idea...

  • Al Roker investigating age discrimination within the KKK...

We at the Doghouse only hope that the people with NBC will gain control of this latest venture before it too gets out of hand.

The Dentist will see you now...

After 9,000 years it is nice to see that some things haven’t changed. Take for instance the recent discovery that prehistoric man not only had the gift of fire, speech, and tools, but the ability to inflict excruciating pain on family and friends. We’re not talking about being forced to watch your nephew’s kindergarten play on the food groups or looking at Aunt Dora’s fat camp vacation photos. Ancient Dental tools were discovered in a Pakistani graveyard, along with numerous human skulls showing finely drilled holes in their teeth, proving that Dentistry has been an inconvenience for more than 9,000 years now. Based on evidence collected at the scene with tour guide Osama bin Laden, we were able to piece together an example of how Dentistry worked then, which allows us to provide you with a contrast to today’s modern practice.

THEN: Hike 20 miles through hazardous terrain to schedule appointment in 6 moons.
NOW: Wait on hold for 20 minutes to schedule an appointment 6 months away at a time most convenient to you – the middle of your working day.

THEN: Arrive early for appointment. Wait in hut for two hours until Dentist can see you. Pass time throwing rocks at insects, lizards, and other patients.
NOW: Leave work to arrive early for appointment. Wait in lobby for two hours until Dentist can see you. Pass time reading periodicals from the reign of Caesar I (did you know he was named one of Peoples 50th best looking men in a toga?) and dodging spitballs from children left alone in the waiting room.

THEN: Anesthesia offered to clients. If chosen, Dentist applied using tool discovered in graveyard dig, nominally referred to now as a “rock”. Common side effects included the inability to drive motor vehicles for several hours, dizziness, concussions, and blood matted hair.
NOW: Anesthesia offered to clients. If chosen, Dentist applies using 5 inch long needle that even baseball players refuse to use. Dentist shoves entire fist in mouth and pokes the patient repeatedly in the gums until they pass out from pain. (The common misconception is the needle actually contains some type of medication). Common side effects include swelling, inability to eat, and an uncontrollable urge to shove your fist in your mouth.

THEN: Flint drill used in combination with small bow to rapidly rotate bit into patient’s teeth leaving perfectly symmetrical holes. Coincidentally, researches now believe that Dentistry precedes the discovery of fire, as the spontaneous combustion of patients is one of the primary side effects.
NOW: Electric drills rotate at high speed with ear shattering noise, leaving symmetrical holes and ruptured ear drums.

Just remember on your next trip to the Dentist that they are in a profession dating back 1,000s of years and deserve your respect. If that doesn’t work, just think about how easy it will be for them to come up with some ancient anesthesia.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Homeland Security, for the under 14 set…

In the news today was the story of the second deputy vice first alternate rainy day nephews press secretary stand in. Proving that the Homeland Security department is not merely another large American bureaucracy, but rather an American bureaucracy with so much time on its hand its’ members have taken to searching for Osama Bin Laden in the Britney Spears chat rooms of the world. Here, these devilishly smart individuals realize that to pierce the disguise of the terrorists, they need to convince them that they are harmless middle aged men working for the department of Homeland Security only looking for cyber and real life sex with young 14 year old girls. If not for the hard work of cyber sex units in Florida, we may have had a shot to penetrate the latest cell of young girl terrorists, but thanks to their actions now we will never know what their latest mall shopping, boy swaping, slumber party plans are.

This time he has gone too far…

We have all gone along with his humorous prognostications, laughed at his movie performance (don’t drive angry), and tolerated his innocent habit of ‘predicting’ worldwide weather from his little hole in Pennsylvania. But this time Punxsutawney Phil has crossed the line. It shouldn't be snowing in the artic circle, let alone in the Northeast, its APRIL 5th for heavens sake. Local media say, "what's the harm in a couple inches". Well, to them I say that first, you apparently don't know that to some woman size does matter, and second, that this April snowstorm is clearly a sign of the true nature of this Winter administration. Take a look at what has been uncovered here by our crack research staff.

It wasn’t but two short months ago that our furry nemesis decreed in his haughty tone that we were in for 6 more weeks of winter. Some say he merely forecasts the weather, but those who have heard the secret groundhog tapes recently intercepted by the NSA as part of their ‘legal’ eavesdropping of Americans campaign know better. The tapes clearly indicate that those who fail to make the proper offerings of bugs, grubs, fruit, and Rodent Porn DVDs are targeted for an extended winter. Clearly, P Phil (his streen name) is not only the spokesman for the Winter party, but one of its' secret power brokers as well. When we confronted Old Man Winter (the puppet Winter party leader) with evidence of snow in Connecticut he stated "that there is no snow, never was snow, and were no plans for making snow in the Northeast", citing that our claims are nothing more than biased propaganda from the liberal Spring Party aimed solely at tarnishing the reputation of his administration. Old Man Winter further stated that this is nothing short of an attempt to artificially create evidence to support an intervention against his Winter administration. The Spring Party refused to comment on these charges, Summer and Fall refused to take our calls.

All of this clearly shows that to end this reign of cold weather, we need to take out P Phil. For all those who doubt his ruthlessness, you have to look no further than last springs 'hunting incident' when P Phil "accidently" shot his friend Johny Squirrel in the face. To this date he still is unable to eat nuts, but won't turn on P Phil, sticking to the party line that he was shooting at something behind him. For those that actually believe that story, consider this secretly recovered photograph and ask yourself, "what reasonable groundhog hunts with an automtic weapon?"

Getting to P Phil won’t be easy as he is a made groundhog in Punxsutawney, with a lot of friends in the local rodent population, but we will not be deterred. With Tony Soprano in a coma, our immediate options are limited, but we will find a way to end this corupt regime. We will post more on our campaign as events develop.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Why you should be excited that the new Baseball season is here!

With the season kicking off on Sunday and the media already overwhelming us with the Yankees, Steroids, and Bonds conversations, I thought I’d take a little time to highlight some of the more overlooked reasons we have to be excited that Baseball is back on again….

  • We can now all stop pretending we care about what is happening in the NBA;
  • No more Survivor GXLL, Guadalupe’s Revenge for you, tell the significant other there is a game on;
  • Anna Benson
  • 4 more weeks until the NFL draft;
  • Spring training gives way to spring drills on college campuses across the country;
  • Anna Benson;
  • Every time Barry hits a homer, we’ll get to relive ‘the best of the Balco’ investigations;
  • Just another reason to get drunk on a Sunday afternoon;
  • Did I mention Anna Benson?

Just be thankful you don't all live where I do... I'm stuck between Yankee fans and Red Sox Nation here in Connecticut. Don't know if I want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge or dive into the HAARboor.

Monday, April 03, 2006

I fell off the wagon today...

No, I wasn't back home in Sherwood playing 'tip the cow' with the old John Deere. What happened today was a relapse. I had been hooked for years, the habit was engrained in my very fiber, so much a part of me that I felt empty without it. One misstep, though, and three months of abstinence, of living without, came rushing back like the Red Sea. That’s right, I'm an eBay addict. While it has been months since I have bought or sold on this devilishly addicting site, it all changed today. One innocent bid led to another and, before you know it, you've bid on 27 items, some of which you don't even remember seeing. Since I've kicked the habit before I know the signs when you are being sucked back into the endless bidding bliss that is eBay, but I realized others may not be so fortunate. Therefore, being the kind, gentle, always thinking of others guy I am, I put together a small list of signs you are addicted to eBay....

  • Your wife asks if you want a glass of Milk for breakfast and you ask her what the BIN price is.
  • Your pup does a #2 and your first thought after cleaning it up is what category it would sell best under.
  • At the gas station, you keep asking the attendant which pump has the best feedback.
  • Your closet is organized by eBay categories.
  • You won't accept your wifes advances because you are waiting to see if a better offer comes in.
  • You don't know how to drive to the dry cleaners, but you know overnight, priority, and ground ship prices to Taiwan.
  • Your wife wonders where all the knick knacks have gone to.... and is curious as to why the dogs run and hide when they see the digital camera come out.
  • You spend more time with your new friend 'Paypal' than your wife.
  • You can't remember your wedding anniversary, but you always seem to know when they have 10 cent listing days.
  • Your best Happy Hour pickup line is, 'want to see my private feedback?'
  • You know the lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic's parody song, 'eBay'.

Cool, I'm highest bidder now, have to go.